Friday, October 7, 2011

Do you have the (Antelope) balls?

Coming into Stage 6 of the Antelope Fall Classic, local legend Jonesy had a firm grip on the drooping. flesh colored saddle bag representing the series leader. It is becoming clear that Jonesy has his sights on dethroning a suddenly mortal King Dan. To be an Antelope King takes a lot of special skills. It takes guile, it takes grit. It takes a mean kick and the ability to push through the red zone. More than anything, however, it takes…

 Of course Antelope balls are legendary. The pair on this ancient Antelope King are even on display at the Smithsonian Museum of Natural and Cycling History:

Each time I won Elder Mill, my balls got just a little bit larger
Of course for every would be Antelope King who believed they had the eggs to be crowned, there is a sad story of despair.

Please oh Mercxendish give me the balls to win the Bishop Sprint

It was clear as Jonesy drove up to the Courthouse parking lot that perhaps the young lad from Athens had really grown a pair.
BJG license plate stands for "Balls of Jonesy are Gargantuan"

This is not to say that the rest of the herd planned to sit idly by and not challenge Jonesy. In fact, Turbo Matt Gentry was looking powerful

I am the turbo, I have come to rain doom and despair upon your peloton. Look upon my thighs and weep.
Jamie was looking especially elite in his Blue kit to match his sweet new whip.

Fashion forward point, J-Dub

Johnny B was particularly excited to hear about the special schwag for the first person under 5’9 to mount Elder Mill.

Mount Elder Mill? Hell, I’m a teenager, I’ll mount anything.

Wednesday saw the first new Antelope Queen challenger to contest Val’s dominance. Nina, 4 time Olympian and owner of the only bamboo themed carbon bike with aluminum lugs in the western world, blessed the pack with her thousand watt smile

Just three time Olympian. But I do have Antelope Balls.

Finally the herd welcomed back Daniel K who parked his steel steed to try out some carbon framage. It looks like Dan has healed up from that zombie bite just fine.

The zombies will never catch me on this!

And so a 22 antelope herd hit the road seizing the last precious hours of evening before the autumn darkness takes our tarmac away.  It was a cool evening and the herd charged through the county roads. The sacred Antelope Whistle had once again been recovered from where my Hot Wife had hidden it under some papers in the back of my car. As we turned off Antioch Church I let loose with the call to attack. On Elder Mill Hill a large break away formed with about 9 of the elite riders including Nina, returning to Olympic glory.   Old Kings  Dan and JeffY took massive pulls but then paid the price at the line. Todd the "Horse" Horsely" galloped for the line, JohnnyP put down a mighty hammer, and Chris was Wailin, but it wasn't enough. At the line:

3 points     Turbo (balls hidden by thighs)
2 points     Jonesy (and his balls)
1 points     Charlie the Caribou (without Jonesy's balls)

Fastest rider under 5’9” up the hill. Jonesy.

The sun was rapidly setting as the peloton flew down Astondale. The whistle sounded on Old Bishop and several strong men of the herd set a brutal pace. From the base of the roller the peloton never dipped below 28mph.  Amazingly everyone held on and almost the entire peloton was still hooked on with 1/2k to go. In a scrum of elbows, drool and sweat, the sprinters laid it out.  Andy was an orange blur for Team Nitty Gritty, JeffY stopped to oil his pompadour just as JKG was jumping on his wheel.  Stan tried to shoulder DanK out of the way who then shouted, "not this time bitch." Out of the madness, came the Turbo pulling a daily double:
3 points- Turbo
2 points- Dan
1 point- Johnny B

Nina took the sprint queen point just edging out Val. She was herd saying...
Hey Val, I got your Antelope Balls right here!

Another great night.With two more stages to go Jonesy continues to lead and is proving its not only his car that has real antelope balls

See you next week.

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