Thursday, September 8, 2011

The ranks of the antelope herd are swelling faster than King Dan’s hair tuft erection. 28 riders signed in to contest Stage 2 of the Fall Classic. The herd took to the road on an unseasonably cool evening for early September, temps in the 70s—perfect cycling weather. After last week’s crash I felt it was important to commune with the great god of cycling, Mercxendish, in order to first thank it/them/us (Mercxendish is omnigendered and omni-personed so no pronoun really fits) that no one was seriously injured and to beg for the well-being of the herd in future stages. As the Antelope Commissioner, I have been given a special apparatus that allows me to commune directly with the god. Unfortunately it resembles a sex toy and so I am constantly being mocked by family. With this apparatus I can intercede on behalf of supplicant cyclists, and will do so for a small fee or a CO2 cartridge. Anyway, Mercxendish was willing to hear our plea, however, an offering would be required from the herd. And there really is only one thing a cyclist can offer to Mercxendish that will satisfy….pain.

I will show my love for mighty Mercxendish!
There is no doubt that after Wednesday’s stage, the great god of cycling will be pleased with our donation.

Averaging approximately 20 mph the herd enjoyed a brisk gallop through the country side and were spared the threat of rampant wiener dogs. Elder Mill saw an attentive peloton staying together at a stately pace up the hill. In fact with no serious attacks more than half the peloton was together with less than 500M to go.

It was then that sprinters put the after burners on. Brian de Hub started the surge with a trail of riders stomping towards the false flat finish. I personally sat up, not because I was exhausted and had no power left nor to carefully swallow the bile in the back of my throat, no I just wanted to enjoy the spectacle of other people sprinting by me. I get off on it. There is a technical term for it so don’t judge me, its called mediocriphilia. And it was a grand spectacle, Turbo Matt Gentry leaning on King Dan, John, Jon, Johnny, and Jonathan forming a lead out train on the outside for their sprinter, Juan. One of those costumed, running spectators kept trying to put in a finger in Jonesy’s ear hole. Chris grabbed the guy by the back of the shorts and used him to catapult towards the front. The spectator had to be rushed to the hospital for wedgie removal. Dr. Trail informed us in the parking lot later that he wasn’t a wedgie removal doctor and couldn’t have helped anyway as it is quite dangerous to remove certain wedgies without proper sterilization. Anyway usually mild mannered Bruce let fly with several choice invectives when Alan tried to grab his saddle. Jonesy used the distraction to come around JohnB’s wheel and take the line followed by Tyler and in a photo finish a perfect tie for third place between Chris and JohnB

3 points- Jonesy

2 points- Tyler

1 point- Chris and JohnB

Tyler, an apparent prodigy who only removed his training wheels last May, took the time to reflect on his ascent to elite antelope status during the Saxon Rd regroup. "I'm so happy, I can't find the words to describe it," said Tyler after the podium celebration, carrying a piece of tarmac from the scene of his almost victory, and barely able to keep his eyes dry. "The last time I felt this way was when I won the flex arm hang in 6th grade, but I can't find the words. I believed in myself from the start, and I think I was probably the best rider here today. Jonesy only beat me because he grabbed my shirt 10 meters before the line.” The press flocked to Jonesy for a response and Jonesy had one, “hey can’t a guy pee in peace around here?” Meanwhile, King Dan in the rare position of not being in the points seemed to have a moment of flaccidity in his hair tuft, but it was just a moment and I’m not sure it was real because half way down Saxon, that hair tuft looked ready for the next sprint.

In a hotly contested battle at the finish, Mark “the Agitator, formerly the tour guide” Yount showed that he was more than just a climbing specialist, kicking like the proverbial mule through a crowded bunch to the line. Turbo Matt G hit it into overdrive and looked to be just about to overtake Mark when Mark thrust his bike forward. It was close so I yelled “who got it?” and Mark crowed, “ me baby” and started bobbing his head and snapping his fingers and chanting Beat poetry. No one else thought this was odd so I ignored it. Bruce who also had turned on the jets saw the race end too soon to dislodge Mark and took third.
I saw the best minds of my generation, starving, hysterical, mad, spinning through the Bishop streets at dawn searching for a sprint line

3 points MarkY

2 points Turbo

1 point Brucie

In the race for the queen classification, no ladies showed to challenge Val, the ironwoman of Antelope Athens. Week after week Val rides hard, rides strong, keeping pace old school with vintage kit and friction shifters.

Ironwoman point: Val

In other news, Antelope Athens is proud to announce that it has hit the big time. The Antelope Fall Classic is being sponsored by the Hub Bikes who is providing swag for weekly prizes to be announced before the start of each ride. Clearly all gifts to the antelope herd are point-worthy. Let me be clear,  I am perfectly willing to be bought, bribed, and gifted into disseminating precious points. Remember this next week as we have many available points for bringing adult beverages to the parking lot for a post ride celebration.

Schwag dissemination point—Brian de Hub

Heading towards Stage 3, Jonesy is mounting a serious challenge to be King. Rumour has it that dethroned king Jeffy may be back in the peloton next week to shake up the contenders. Don’t forget to do your hill repeats and I’ll see your back on elder mill hill next week.


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