Sunday, October 16, 2011

Jonesy (and his balls) seeing Yellow

With only one stage left in the 2nd Annual Antelope Fall Classic I sent the intrepid reporter, Antelope Albert to do an interview with the current series leader, Jonesy. Unfortunately, Jonesy was unwilling to give a statement. His balls, however, were willing to go on the record.

You want me to talk to balls? I may be intrepid but I'm not that intrepid.
Antelope Albert recorded this quote.

I've been hanging pretty low all series. I knew the crown was in the "bag" you know, heh, heh

After a feisty late season stage that saw Turbo make a late rally for the crown, at the end of the day and with Turbo reportedly out for next week, the crown may now be out of reach.

Elder Mill: Turbo, Charlie, Dan
Bishop: Jonesy, Turbo, Dan

Jonesy comes into Stage 8 with 28 points, followed by Turbo (22 points), and  DanH (17). Even with a special double points finale Jonesy and his ball will be hard to catch. If Jonesy is off both podiums and DanH does a double, he could win. that of course, will take a mighty set of ...
Come on doofus, we need to focus, we can still win

Val will likely the Antelope Queen crown after a dominating performance earning 8 points to Molly and Nina's 3.
I am IRONWOMAN. I may not be superfast but I'm steady

Next week is the final stage. We will abbreviate the ride a bit more to beat the darkness but will start at 5:45. After the ride, join the herd for coronation at Chops and Hops in downtown Watkinsville.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Do you have the (Antelope) balls?

Coming into Stage 6 of the Antelope Fall Classic, local legend Jonesy had a firm grip on the drooping. flesh colored saddle bag representing the series leader. It is becoming clear that Jonesy has his sights on dethroning a suddenly mortal King Dan. To be an Antelope King takes a lot of special skills. It takes guile, it takes grit. It takes a mean kick and the ability to push through the red zone. More than anything, however, it takes…

 Of course Antelope balls are legendary. The pair on this ancient Antelope King are even on display at the Smithsonian Museum of Natural and Cycling History:

Each time I won Elder Mill, my balls got just a little bit larger
Of course for every would be Antelope King who believed they had the eggs to be crowned, there is a sad story of despair.

Please oh Mercxendish give me the balls to win the Bishop Sprint

It was clear as Jonesy drove up to the Courthouse parking lot that perhaps the young lad from Athens had really grown a pair.
BJG license plate stands for "Balls of Jonesy are Gargantuan"

This is not to say that the rest of the herd planned to sit idly by and not challenge Jonesy. In fact, Turbo Matt Gentry was looking powerful

I am the turbo, I have come to rain doom and despair upon your peloton. Look upon my thighs and weep.
Jamie was looking especially elite in his Blue kit to match his sweet new whip.

Fashion forward point, J-Dub

Johnny B was particularly excited to hear about the special schwag for the first person under 5’9 to mount Elder Mill.

Mount Elder Mill? Hell, I’m a teenager, I’ll mount anything.

Wednesday saw the first new Antelope Queen challenger to contest Val’s dominance. Nina, 4 time Olympian and owner of the only bamboo themed carbon bike with aluminum lugs in the western world, blessed the pack with her thousand watt smile

Just three time Olympian. But I do have Antelope Balls.

Finally the herd welcomed back Daniel K who parked his steel steed to try out some carbon framage. It looks like Dan has healed up from that zombie bite just fine.

The zombies will never catch me on this!

And so a 22 antelope herd hit the road seizing the last precious hours of evening before the autumn darkness takes our tarmac away.  It was a cool evening and the herd charged through the county roads. The sacred Antelope Whistle had once again been recovered from where my Hot Wife had hidden it under some papers in the back of my car. As we turned off Antioch Church I let loose with the call to attack. On Elder Mill Hill a large break away formed with about 9 of the elite riders including Nina, returning to Olympic glory.   Old Kings  Dan and JeffY took massive pulls but then paid the price at the line. Todd the "Horse" Horsely" galloped for the line, JohnnyP put down a mighty hammer, and Chris was Wailin, but it wasn't enough. At the line:

3 points     Turbo (balls hidden by thighs)
2 points     Jonesy (and his balls)
1 points     Charlie the Caribou (without Jonesy's balls)

Fastest rider under 5’9” up the hill. Jonesy.

The sun was rapidly setting as the peloton flew down Astondale. The whistle sounded on Old Bishop and several strong men of the herd set a brutal pace. From the base of the roller the peloton never dipped below 28mph.  Amazingly everyone held on and almost the entire peloton was still hooked on with 1/2k to go. In a scrum of elbows, drool and sweat, the sprinters laid it out.  Andy was an orange blur for Team Nitty Gritty, JeffY stopped to oil his pompadour just as JKG was jumping on his wheel.  Stan tried to shoulder DanK out of the way who then shouted, "not this time bitch." Out of the madness, came the Turbo pulling a daily double:
3 points- Turbo
2 points- Dan
1 point- Johnny B

Nina took the sprint queen point just edging out Val. She was herd saying...
Hey Val, I got your Antelope Balls right here!

Another great night.With two more stages to go Jonesy continues to lead and is proving its not only his car that has real antelope balls

See you next week.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Stage 5: Schwag, Lead Outs, and Hair Tufts

King Dan entered Wednesday’s night stage 5 of the antelope fall classic on a mission. After missing stage 4 altogether due to a mysterious and heretofore undisclosed ailment, the King had seen the upstart Jonesy move farther ahead in the standings. One more day of domination and Jonesy may have ended the competition for good. Determined not to give in, sources tell the Antelope Gazette that KD has retained the services of the infamous Italian Love Guru, Michaele Cyclarti. The controversial guru has rediscoverd ancient tantric meditation practices designed to increase cyclists' blood plasma volume and lactate threshold. These ancient practices which are illegal in most southeastern states have been cloaked in secrecy. Dan did look good in his new kit however

I climb with my third chakra and see the weaknesses of my competitors with my third eye.


22 riders signed in for Stage 5 of the classic and Cappy joined the group on Astondale. It was a big night as at stake was 3 points and some Hub schwag for the rider who devastated the peloton in an all out sacrificical, bone crushing pull on the Bishop Sprint. Also at stake were three for  a queen competitor who could pull a double (first woman on both sprints). Although Val had been our only queen rider for the last 3 weeks, word got out, and zombie forces sent a goth girl to try and steal the schwag from Val

Hub sox? Those are like the coolest!

 The herd welcomed  new Antelope, Bill who won the evening's best color coordinated kit competition.

What, I'm pretty sure there's some green  in this jersey.

Tony arrived triumphantly after conquering 6 Gaps last Sunday.  It appeared to have taken a bit of a toll on him.

Elder Mill will be nothing after Hogpen!

As usual, the herd members paid rapt attention as I went through the "10 commandments" of the Antelope series.

Hey guys, I'm over here, listen up.

 This bunch decided to have a private study group
Ok, thou shalt not break away outside of sprint zones, discuss.

At 6 PM sharp we headed out. It was a perfect evening as the herd headed south into the heart (or perhaps liver) of Oconee county. Competition on Elder Mill was fierce and Jonesy found himself in an unaccustomed place….in the wind going up the steeps. Despite MikeK’s valiant efforts to tow his Hubmate to the front, Jonesy was off the back with us Clydes and we all watched as Dan and Jeff hit the line followed by Mike.

Mike K-1

Goth girl and Val had a spirited contest but GG was distracted by some road kill and Val took the line. ½ way to the Queen double!

On the Bishop sprint Brian organized the peloton into a fancy rotating paceline for about half of the zone until Jamie decided it was time to go for the Mighty Mark Renshaw Lead Out Points. He put in a great pull but not enough to crack the group. With 1/2k to go Dan powered around the group, created a gap and the chase was on. The pack was devastated and Dan’s cranks wept with agony. The fast guys caught Dan just in time to shotgun to the finish. Once again it was series leader Jonesy putting in a well timed unstoppable charge .

Jonesy 3 points
Mike K 2 points
JeffY 1 point

And of course the lead out award went to:
King Dan—3 points and schwag

 Goth girs was focused this time and Val and GG were bumping elbows and trading head buts . Val would not be stopped and she took the queen sprint by a wheel. Here is Val with her schwag, it’s a little fuzzy because goth girl had cast a curse on my iphone.

The curse, however, was not powerful enough to affect Dan’s hair tuft, which once again stood proudly like a beacon of hope. Dan himself, though seems to have grown more sinister since Goth Girls's curse.

 The days are growing short so next week the ride starts at 5:45, hope to see you there.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

The Burning Bicycle

Last week’s Stage 3 of the Antelope Athens Fall Classic was a turning point for the herd. It had become increasingly clear that, the enemy, always determined to snuff out the ringing merriment of cycling joy and camaraderie, had set their sights on the Wednesday ride. Why are the brains of Antelopes so zesty, and why are the brains of riders named Dan under 6 feet tall so delectable? Will we ever live in a world free of this zombie scourge? Where seriously mediocre cyclists can congregate and practice their love of spinning without fear?

Need to find a Dan, crash bike, eat brains

Such were my questions to the great god of cycling Mercxendish all week long. I have been saying my prayers each night dutifully since that epiphanic day I tried to haul my 210 lb, 37 inch waisted self up Hogpen on my rapidly corroding 1999 Cannondale CAAD231. Usually my prayers unfold like this:

Please Mercxendish, give me more watts per pound, hey, what the, whose goat is tha… hey that’s kind of nice, no,  get off me

Usually Mercxendish is silent. However, as a faithful believer I suspect that when the newsletter arrives in my email with Chris Carmichael’s latest advice, that just may be an answer-- if I will only listen. After the chaos of last week I redoubled my plaintiff pleas but this time instead of asking for the typical egocentric bounties of lower weight, a speck of fast twitch fiber, or a flat tire for my foe in the next MTB race, I thought only of my brethren in the herd and the beauty of the Antelope Phenomenon.

The sprint line is mine!!!!!

And Mercxendish answered. There was an image of a burning bicycle, black with carbon fiber but no matter how hot the flames grew I could see that the frame would never melt but merely become ever more compliant laterally and torsionally stiff while losing grams by the minute. From the burning bicylce’s bottom bracket (aka the BB BB) came a voice.

Speak to the herd of my commandments and the zombies shall trouble you no more!

And so at 6PM I began a new tradition, hoarier than the sh’ma, more resonant than a call to prayer, emanating of from the very hub of the herd: The Antelope Commandments. Lets be clear, these are divinely inspired, not some false cycling-related commandment spiel you may have encountered on the internets:


As the peloton congregated at 6PM, I intoned the following:

1. Thou shalt ride at thy own risk as cycling is dangerous.

2. The antelope series shall be a sanctuary for riders with little or no race experience. All cyclists with the fitness to ride between 19-20 mph ave and the skills to safely participate in a double pace-line shall be welcomed to the Antelope Herd. Thou shalt not post a final ride time that exceeds 20.0mph

3. Thou shalt only sprint if one wishes, recognizing that riding in high speed, attacking groups is inherently dangerous. If thou is unsure of thy ability to navigate stressful, high speed, attack zones, thou shalt stay off the back thy zones.

4. If thou art truly a cheetah, thou shalt mentor and encourage the antelopes and seek not to eat their flesh or their brains

5. Thou shalt always pay attention and anticipate changes in pace and spacing, from start to finish

6. If thou wishest to receive points and join in Antelope games, thou wilst sign in PRIOR to the rides onset and hear these commandments before each ride.

7. Thou shalt not be required to pull but if thou dost, thou shalt be steady and smooth fostering unity among the herd.

8. Thou shalt not breakaway from the herd outside of attack zones

9. Thou shalt soft pedal for 5 minutes after the intermediate sprint zone

10. Thou shalt bring a tube, pump, and cell phone and not expect thy herd to wait for your flat tire

After these announcements a sense of peace and unity descended on the herd, spinning down Old Bishop in a symphony of ratcheting freewheels, shifting derailleurs, and the baritone susurrus of men and one woman chatting amiably.

Is that a new kit?  You really need some lighter wheels.  Where were you Saturday? Going to try and hang with SFS next weekend?
The 20 antelope herd plowed through the country side and those on the beefier side of 190lb looked forward to the Elder Mill sprint and an opportunity to win a trinket from Uncle Schwag’s bag. First Clyde off the podium and over the hill would get 3 points and a finger full of cycling tchotchke. To document this historic ride, I took a short cut and set up with my trusty cell phone camera. Here is a picture of the evening’s hero, Blake “the Snake” Hartis, flying up Elder Mill to take the Clyde Award.



The podium saw Series leader Jonesy racking up the points:
1st- Jonesy
2nd Turbo Gentry
3rd: MarkY Mark

Several clydes gave gracious offerings of bile and Gatorade in the offering ditch on Saxon Road before chasing up to the leaders, hammering into the setting sun.

As the herd turned down the service road, I once again reminded the faithful of the off the back options and the dangers of the fast attack zone. The herd had the bit, though, and no one was getting away. A solid peloton of antlers and hooves made the mid way hill when finally the attacks came fast and furious. Stan put his head down and let out a roar and JKG jumped on his wheel. Jamie Dub Duberstein made a dig while spittin rhyme

I got mad watts, castelli sox, and a downtube wide as a box

Through the chaos Jonesy talked Tyler into a powerful leadout which would prove decisive.

-Lead Out point: Tyler P

At the line it was once again the same mad men with Jonesy doing da double:

1st Jonesy
2nd Turbo
3rd Marky mark

A jubilant herd celebrated a fine Wednesday evening, except for Liviu who seemed to have disappeared somewhere in the country side. The remaining herd members saluted the Clyde King, Blake, who took home a pair of sweet Hub socks.

Jonesy’s dominating double was also recognized with schwag:

Chicks dig the cycling tan

Thinking about coming out next week? We will cut off 1-2 miles to beat the twilight. See you next week.