Sunday, September 5, 2010

BUI: Blogging Under the Influence

It has been a long day and I have been self-medicating with an adult beverage. This is probably a bad idea, but I decided, hey, why not blog under the influence? Of course I risk being pulled over on the information superhighway and charged with a BUI, but after the third glass of wine I'm invincible. Blogging under the influence is becoming increasingly common and appears to be an innovation in communication technology first noticed on Roseanne Barr's myspace page. So I am in good company. I love Roseanne, who I believe is nearly a perfect person. She lacks only a cycling addiction to reach true heroine status.  BUI is actually a pretty diverse terms as it can stand for :
  • browsing under the influence
  • boning under the influence (not sure what this means, maybe when a dog is burying a bone and can't find it later?)
  • buying under the influence
  • boating under the influence

I think this dog is boning under the influence:

Get off of my nose and  into my belly!

I want to be clear, that while under the influence myself, I am still exceedingly responsible. I am not driving an automobile nor out in non virtual public finding ways to get in trouble. I always must be role model for my awesome son. Moreover, I will ride my mountain bike tomorrow , headache or not, and I will not whine about anything.  Unless my brakes are rubbing, or if Duncan is faster than me (in which case I will claim that my brakes are rubbing).

Duncan: "Dude, why are your riding so slow on this mellow single track?"

Steve: "Have some compassion, my brakes are rubbing"


Also, I have two very good medical reasons for drinking tonight. First of all I rode 80 miles yesterday. Now I know that most of the guys I rode with are probably riding again today, but this sort of thing wears me out. So I need an analgesic. We did have a great group with about 15 people showing up including several Cheetah- type riders who did awesome pulls. Most of the cheetahs went the short route leaving about 7 of us for the long ride through  the country side. Now we didn't intend to do 80. And, in a way, we didn't really do.
actually we only rode 65 "Lenny Miles." As most Athens cyclists know, this is Lenny:

What? Everyone talks this way in Canada.

I've now estimated that a "Lenny Mile" is approximately 1.2 normal miles with a standard deviation of  +12. So if Lenny says, "at the stop sign we turn right and go about  2 miles." This means that at the stop sign we turn right and go anywhere from 2.4 to 24 miles (the LM standard deviation only increases mileage and  never decreases it) . This makes life more interesting. So given that our Saturday  route was only supposed to add about 5 miles to our typical 60--- 80 is just about to be expected. I rode strong and didn't really suffer until I tried to get out of bed the next day.

This brings me to my second medical reason for drinking this evening. I have learned two things this weekend: (1)  how to translate Lenny Miles, and (2) how to interpret the effort of simple household projects that my wife is interested in. Now don't get me wrong, my wife does not give me Honey Dew lists or nag me about doing stuff around the house. She generally prefers for me to be  gone. I think this is because I have a habit of constantly singing out-of-tune songs about our love life while in her presence. I also don't bathe regularly.

Anyway, I have been doing household projects lately, something I almost never do. There are good reasons why I don't. First, it cuts into my cycling time and I'm already half way to 90 years old  and don't have much cycling time left. Second, I am bereft of any mechanical, artistic, or  technical ability. I also have a short memory. So when my wife said she had placed an orbital  sander by the chest of drawers in the garage that had been waiting for attention for 4 years,  I tried out some sanding. Then my wife made the mistake of telling me that I looked pretty hot working with power tools.
If you think I'm sexy, and you want my body, come on honey let me know!

In short order, I managed to sever two 50 foot extension cords with a hedge trimmer, short circuit two sockets, crush 3 sprinkler heads with the lawn mower (or were they termite thingies, I can't tell), and utterly destroy the wallpaper in my bathroom.

But the point is that I learned how to translate the true meaning of my wife's thinking when she suggests a household project that can be done DIY. For example, when my wife says, if you just sand the paint off Aunt Ida's chest of drawers then I will stain it  (and you won't have to keep your clothes in card board boxes anymore) this actually means---"You will suffer for hours in back breaking labor  while the bureau remains green forever."

Wow! Sanding paint off a chest of drawers is way more fun than I expected!

I'm kind of dull, so it didn't really sink in that every project she suggests would involve back breaking labor. But I now know that when my beloved says, "just use hot soap and water and the wallpaper in the bathroom will pull right off" this really means, "Have a great time for the next 15 weekends engaging in back breaking labor as you try to get the wallpaper backing of the wall ;-)."

It was a fine bathroom, but now it looks like this:

The nice lady at Lowe's seems to speak the same language:
  • Lady at Lowe's: "this will take the wallpaper right off and you'll be ready to paint."
  • Translation: "Can't wait to see you tomorrow when you have to buy two more bottles of this stuff and six tools that still won't help :-)"
So I am drinking. And I feel much better. Fortunately, my wife is really hot so I 'm willing to spend as many weekends to get this wall paper off the bathroom wall as its going to take . Or maybe the bathroom wall looks OK just the way its. Kind of a postmodern statement about the futility of controlling one's environment. Like a paceline or a training schedule-organization is just a fantasy. So to sign off, I will leave you with an image from last Tuesday  morning when I was riding my bike and enjoying the view of the sunrise.


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